Thursday, October 1, 2009

I'm worth $250,000 dead

That's what our insurance company told me. Or, rather, what we told our insurance company.

For the past forever, we have been discussing the happy subject of dismemberment, paralyzation, blindness, chronic illness and death. It helps my husband sleep better at night knowing that we won't be destitute if he conks (euphemism #1). Me, not so much.

It does make for interesting conversation though.

"Oh, c'mon, hun, you could TOTALLY still do your job without legs. Legs aren't that big a deal to a CFO."

"The chances of you coming down with some funky disease are much more likely than breaking your back. I think."

"So if you're burned from head to toe, will it take you more than five years to recover? Or do we go with the fifteen year long-term disability plan .... It's HOW MUCH? Nah. You'll snap back."

Oh, yeah. Makes for great nighttime relaxation.

So we finally added up how much moo-lah I want if My Man bites the dust (euphemism #2): enough to pay off the house, monthly expenses til the kids are out of school, college tuitions, weddings, missions, and putting me through school so I don't have to eat out of garbage cans, and came up with roughly Bill Gates' net worth. (And apparently we're only having four kids, cuz that's what we budgeted for.)

After many compromises and a few tears, we signed twice as many papers as our mortgage. I'm now prepared for My Worst Case Scenario (euphemism #3).

Sweet dreams, dear.

Then the subject turned to moi. Because seriously, what would My Man DO without me? He can't even pack Little Prince's lunchbox without asking me a question at every step. (Sorry, hun, it's TRUE. And cute.)

Salary.com has a very interesting calculator, determining what a stay-at-home mom is worth. You put in how many kids you have, where you live, and how many hours a week you put in for various job descriptions like:

(they have graciously provided averages)

Housekeeper 16.5
Day Care Center Teacher 14.7
Cook 13.1
Computer Operator 9.2
Facilities Manager 8.6
Van Driver 7.3
Psychologist 7.2
Laundry Machine Operator 7.2
Janitor 7.1
Chief Executive Officer 5.5
Interior Designer 0
Administrative Assistant 0
Event Planner 0
Bookkeeper 0
General Maintenance Worker 0
Groundskeeper 0
Nutritionist 0
Staff Nurse - RN 0
Plumber 0
Logistics Analyst

I tried to say that I put in 45 hours a week as a Day Care Center teacher, Psychologist, Staff Nurse and CEO - each - but apparently
We understand if it sometimes feels longer, but a week can never have more than 168 hours. Please re-enter your hours.
Poop.

But hey now. Let's be honest. If I kicked the bucket (what am I on? euphemism#4?), my husband would not hire a full time housekeeper, laundress, cook, chauffeur and - what was it? - event planner. TCHAH. He would have to put the kids in daycare, sure (or move closer to Grandma) - but realistically, he would "just" take over my responsibilities and be very, very tired all the time. He would NOT pay someone a six-figure salary to take over for me.

This site was obviously invented by slightly bitter stay-at-home moms that need a dollar figure assigned to them to feel good about themselves.
Salary.com determined that the time mothers spend performing 10 typical job functions would equate to an annual salary of $122,732 for a stay-at-home mom.
Pur-lease.

First of all, tell me truthfully, ladies. Do you REALLY spend 16.5 hours a week cleaning your house? More than two hours a day? Every day? *coughyeahrightcough* Not to mention more than 9 hours a week working on your computer - that's JOB RELATED? If you do, let me shake your hand and give you a cookie. And tell Big Foot and Loch Ness hi for me in la-la-land.

The truth is, I know how much I'm worth. I'm priceless.


And I feel good about myself.

23 comments:

Julie said...

I freaking love you.

P.S. Do any of your kids have real names? :)

Perpetual Mommy Exhaustion said...

"We understand if it sometimes feels longer, but a week can never have more than 168 hours. Please re-enter your hours."

So. Funny. Laughed out loud. That feels like good news and bad news. No week can last forever, but it is limited, and once its gone, that's it.

Why am I getting existential on a blog comment? I need a night out. I wish you could come.

Kristina P. said...

Whenever I say something about my husband getting squished by a car or something, he always responds with, "At least I'm insured." What I don't want to say is that his insurance policy will probably only buy me a pair of shoes.

janel said...

I wish I had written this. Don't be so clever...it makes others jealous. : ) Adorable picture, too.

Sarah said...

I love your little baby belly, so cute you are!
Eric and I both have insurance and he always is lamenting about how it's not enough. I 'cleverly' remind him to make it look accidental because then I get twice as much money.
Of course, the truth is, I'd be lost without him, even if I did have lots of cash. Priceless, like you.

Becca said...

I know the hubby would be lost and hopeless if I kicked the bucket any time soon. He has a track record that way, and that was just his dating track record. I suppose 'at least' he has insurance. It would pay off our house and my student loan, assuming his body vaporizes. We have discussed further insurance, you know especially since the church counsels that as the #1 thing to do to be provident...but yeah. Still just the company provided "double your annual salary" thing. I guess its better than nothing.

Erin said...

I was told once upon a time that if you have federal student loans and you die, the loans are forgiven. I hope that is true. If it isn't, and Christian dies, we should have approximately one million dollars in life insurance to pay them off. Sheesh.

I loved this post!

Becky said...

Love this. I'm also in the process of figuring out life insurance, wills, IRAs and whatnot. It's simultaneously boring, gut-wrenching, and shocking. Adam and I are just planning on living until we're 85-ish and dying the same night. Cuz we're all powerful like that.

Kathy @ Real Mom, Real Life said...

Hubby just informed me he would just remarry and have the new wife handle all the hundreds of things I do... it would save him money. And insurance? Let's just say barely enough for the funeral. :-)

Stepper the Mighty said...

I've decided that Bill and I will just have to die together. None of this 'waiting on the other side' business for me, no sir.

And insurance? If my hub and I were to go the way of all the earth (euphemism #5 for you) I think the neighbor might find out when the stink from one of the kids diapers started to seep through our joining walls.

I think my insurance covers the cost of the funeral, too. If I choose to be buried in a cardboard box.

In the back yard.

Jody Blue said...

priceless indeed!

SO said...

I have heard this dollar amount for a sahm before. Here's my take on the sich-y-a-tion.

If the government had taken all of those BILLIONS of dollars that it used to bail out those banks and turned that around and paid all of the sahm's that salary this country would no longer be in a recession. The sahm's would have taken that money. Paid off loans to those stoopid banks. Who then would not have needed the bail out. Gone shopping to "stimulate" the economy and everyone would be better off. Am I right or am I right???

I know that was out of left field but hey. You need a comment like that every once in a while.

Now back to your regularly scheduled comments...

I'm with you. You are priceless.

Kazzy said...

In my most morbid moments I think about how my death could eliminate our debts. But I don't dwell on that stuff. I like my life!

Heather of the EO said...

This post rocks the blog party.

You ARE priceless!

Destinee said...

Excellent. Absolutely love this post!!

HeatherKitts said...

Ha! I loved this :) Especially because we JUST went through this process about 3 weeks ago. I tried to justify the fact that I would need approx. $10M if Greg died but for some weird reason, he really didn't buy it. I was pleasantly surprised at how much they actually allowed us to get for him (haha, hey, ya never KNOW!) but I was pretty crestfallen when they said I was worth so little. Boo to them. So your post made me happy...you're right...we're PRICELESS!!

Kimberly said...

My hubby is actually in the process of finding out just how priceless I am. He's now having to pay for daycare, has Relief Society sisters preparing meals for him, the next door neighbour picking our daughter up from kindergarten and taking her to daycare, and a friend cleaning house and doing dishes once or twice a week.

And even with all that help, he's having to see a doctor because he's falling apart physically as well as emotionally.

We are priceless indeed!

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Since posting pictures of your house (the closet post) I would have thought you spend 16 hours a week cleaning your house. Or do you have a trick you'd like to share with me? Please? Pretty please?

I'm worth roughly $125,000 dead. So I guess that makes me half priceless.

Happy Mom said...

Everytime I go to my blogger dashboard and see that there is a new post from Pensivity it makes me happy. I know that I'm going to smile and, even better, feel reafirmed in the okay-ness of my own off kilter and imperfect ways.

You, my dear, are not a text book perfect mommy (who is?), but you're adorable and exactly right for your family. And the bloggy universe is richer because your here! (Okay, I'm a dorky fan!)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

I feel a twisted conceited glory in the fact that if I died, I know my husband would have to remarry soon or he would suffer his own death in the absence of a mom for his children.

And you are priceless, dear. I'm drafting one of those mastercard commercials in my mind.

rad6 said...

ok, wanted to comment on your above post, but looks like comments are off. Can you help? I SOOOO want to find that picture.

rad6 said...

Picture... the one that Elder Bednar showed. I really would love a copy for my home. Then on all those crazy family nights or scripture study or family prayer momentsw that don't go even close to ideal, I can look at my picture and remember that we are making brushstrokes.
LOVED that!!!

rad6 said...

ok, just reread that you said Eyring, don't know why I thought it was Elder Bednar.
Oops... ok I will try to research.