Friday, March 4, 2011

In which I bombed my homework

For my class this week, I was supposed to write a persuasion paper.

I didn't.

***********

Further In and Higher Up

                 Experience. Check. Think. Check. Speak. Double check. Read - narrate - create - journal.  Check check check check.

                Writing is easy, right?  Gene Fowler says, "all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead." 

                Sarah suggests we work on persuading this time around. Okay. Let's do it. Don't forget the logos - throw in pathos for fun. Include reason, personal experience, revelation, historical evidence, and a kidney just to be sure. If you want to be really cool, add some research - then you're at the top of the pile. Achievement. Success. Confidence.

                Bull.

                Somewhere in my 5Pillars journey, I decided that I disagree with the Writing Cycle. I'd rather rechristen it the Writing Fork. I don't have a problem until step six - Creation. From there, we're told to progress to journals/stories, then idea or opinion papers, moving on to persuasive essays, then climax with research. 

                That is one path, sure. It's a great path - a fabulous path. But my goal in life is not to research - it's to change my very nature. The 5Pillar course, after all, is so much more than a simple 'book club.' The mere  expression is somehow patronizing. It should be termed the Soul Searching Course or Self-Discovery Club or Introspective Wives United - except those sound a little deep for casual conversation. 

                Research papers may stretch us mentally - but I would rather stretch myself emotionally. Spiritually. Because that's why I'm taking this course. To research-paper myself

                My favorite book in the Narnia series is the last one - The Last Battle. "Further in and higher up!" cries Roonwit, urging the crowd to plunge deeper into Narnia's beauties. That phrase has been repeating itself in my mind for some time. Further in. Who am I really? Higher up. What motivates me? Further in. What do I want out of life? Higher up. How am I going to work to get it? 

                It's as if I'm in the center of a great ruminative cyclone. Ponderings - goals - convictions - quotes - swirl around me like so many pages in a book. I am in the middle of it all, trying to inhale the gusts deeply without gasping. It's hard. Further in and higher up.

                I feel as if everything is coming together for me. The Great Pangea of Me, slowly puzzling itself together, trying a piece there, seeing if it fits there. I am on the edge of a vast plain, inching my toes over the edge, daring myself to jump. The cavern is wide. It is deep. It is good. And I'm almost there. On the brink of some massive discovery - my arms groping for some surety before I take the first step over. Further in and higher up.

                This I know. I want to change. I feel that I have so much healing to do, habits to change. Habits - I'm sure - that are several millenia in the making.  But I seem to have finally breached the stubborn obstinacy that kept my "I wish I were ..." list, just a wish. Some crucial, inherent wall has crumbled, allowing me to cross the bridge from wanting to being

                I don't want to wait to become the person I want to be. 

                I'm ready to be that person. Now. 

                Further in and higher up.

                 I want to allow the spirit to guide my life in such a way that His whispers become reflexes. I want to build a celestial marriage. I want to thrive on my children's laughter. I want to be 'more fit for the kingdom.'  I want to be healthy. I want to keep my house in order. And I want my very being to shy away from anything that would cause my children pain - like losing my patience (did I know where it was in the first place?), yelling, scolding, and all those other -ings that paint the dark side of motherhood. 

                And as I reach inward - I can't help but strive upward

                Because I am divine. And the further in I explore my inherited celestial princess-ness, the closer I will become to the King. 

                Further in. Higher up I go.

9 comments:

MommyJ said...

I love this ever so much. That's all.

(Except not... what class are you taking? Full time school? Part time school? Just for fun school? Online school? Inquiring minds want to know... )

Mrs. M said...

This sounds like a journal entry. It also sounds a lot like it could have been written by me. That is also my favorite of the Narnia books.

I'm working on keeping my house in order and taking care of my body. It's hard to do everything all at once.

We can do hard things!

Happy Mom said...

The Last Battle is my second favorite. I love the excitement on my children's faces as the cry "Further in, higher up" is repeated in crescendo. The first time, they have no idea where the book is going, but they know it's gonna be cool!

Love this post! Some mighty nice writing, that!

hatesocks said...

BRAVO.. Absolutely lovely.

Kimberly said...

Favourite. Book. Ever.

Seriously.

And this? Favourite blog post ever. Wow. Would The Ensign publish this do you think? I'd just like more people to be able to read it.

Qait said...

You know what, I'd toss aside the "rules" and submit that as my paper. Your argument for why you don't really need to write a persuasion paper is quite persuasive--you realize that, don't you? :)
Even if it's late, seriously. What teacher wouldn't appreciate that piece of writing?

(It makes up for you not taking pictures of doorknobs...any day).

mckell said...

Maybe it's because we just had a "dark side of motherhood" moment over here, but I'm crying. Because this is what has been on my mind lately too. I've been puzzling over why I give myself "If onlys". Why not just DO it? Brilliant.

I like you. :)

raprettyman said...

I know that craving for who am I, who am I going to be? I'm older than you, and you still get the feeling. Be ready to know who you are and then later start all over.
Who am I now?
You will continue always to be the amazing, changing, growing ever closer to God, person that you are now. :) Just different.
Really. It'll make sense in a few years. :) Love you.
Hug your man for me. I miss him. Does he have a blog I don't know about?

Megan said...

amazing. I love the feelings in this. I feel them too.