Further In and Higher Up
Experience. Check. Think. Check. Speak. Double check. Read - narrate - create - journal. Check check check check.
Writing is easy, right? Gene Fowler says, "all you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
Sarah suggests we work on persuading this time around. Okay. Let's do it. Don't forget the logos - throw in pathos for fun. Include reason, personal experience, revelation, historical evidence, and a kidney just to be sure. If you want to be really cool, add some research - then you're at the top of the pile. Achievement. Success. Confidence.
Somewhere in my 5Pillars journey, I decided that I disagree with the Writing Cycle. I'd rather rechristen it the Writing Fork. I don't have a problem until step six - Creation. From there, we're told to progress to journals/stories, then idea or opinion papers, moving on to persuasive essays, then climax with research.
That is one path, sure. It's a great path - a fabulous path. But my goal in life is not to research - it's to change my very nature. The 5Pillar course, after all, is so much more than a simple 'book club.' The mere expression is somehow patronizing. It should be termed the Soul Searching Course or Self-Discovery Club or Introspective Wives United - except those sound a little deep for casual conversation.
Research papers may stretch us mentally - but I would rather stretch myself emotionally. Spiritually. Because that's why I'm taking this course. To research-paper myself.
My favorite book in the Narnia series is the last one - The Last Battle. "Further in and higher up!" cries Roonwit, urging the crowd to plunge deeper into Narnia's beauties. That phrase has been repeating itself in my mind for some time. Further in. Who am I really? Higher up. What motivates me? Further in. What do I want out of life? Higher up. How am I going to work to get it?
It's as if I'm in the center of a great ruminative cyclone. Ponderings - goals - convictions - quotes - swirl around me like so many pages in a book. I am in the middle of it all, trying to inhale the gusts deeply without gasping. It's hard. Further in and higher up.
I feel as if everything is coming together for me. The Great Pangea of Me, slowly puzzling itself together, trying a piece there, seeing if it fits there. I am on the edge of a vast plain, inching my toes over the edge, daring myself to jump. The cavern is wide. It is deep. It is good. And I'm almost there. On the brink of some massive discovery - my arms groping for some surety before I take the first step over. Further in and higher up.
This I know. I want to change. I feel that I have so much healing to do, habits to change. Habits - I'm sure - that are several millenia in the making. But I seem to have finally breached the stubborn obstinacy that kept my "I wish I were ..." list, just a wish. Some crucial, inherent wall has crumbled, allowing me to cross the bridge from wanting to being.
I don't want to wait to become the person I want to be.
I'm ready to be that person. Now.
Further in and higher up.
I want to allow the spirit to guide my life in such a way that His whispers become reflexes. I want to build a celestial marriage. I want to thrive on my children's laughter. I want to be 'more fit for the kingdom.' I want to be healthy. I want to keep my house in order. And I want my very being to shy away from anything that would cause my children pain - like losing my patience (did I know where it was in the first place?), yelling, scolding, and all those other -ings that paint the dark side of motherhood.
And as I reach inward - I can't help but strive upward.
Because I am divine. And the further in I explore my inherited celestial princess-ness, the closer I will become to the King.
Further in. Higher up I go.