Monday, August 15, 2011

In which I delve. And blush.

So a bloggy friend recently posted a bunch of archives from waaay back - like from high school. It was hilarious - and enlightening. She always talks about her high school years like she was the biggest nerd. Ugly and unpopular. Yet I saw with my own eyes that she was beautiful - and seemingly confident,  surrounded by friends.

It made me think, yo.

When I look back on high school, I cringe. I never felt pretty or socially "in." I was never teased or bullied - just largely ignored. I was the type to bring a book to a social event or party - if I got invited at all. I never knew what to say, and I wasn't so much a wallflower as a hide-in-the-bathroom weed. I would actually write down lists of things to say before I called someone. I felt like everyone was more popular than me, everyone was cooler than me, everyone was secure and self-assured and confident.

And I ... wasn't. I was a tongue-tied little mouse who hid behind big, baggy T-shirts and overalls every day. The essence of insecure.

But now - I wonder.

Did everyone feel that way?

It's interesting to me that those who knew me in high school do not remember me this way. I didn't get invited to many parties, but I had plenty of my own. I was never voted into a captaincy or leadership position, but I was a member of a lot of clubs. I never had a lead in a play, but I was a great chorus member.

I laughed a lot. And I made others laugh. Maybe the popular kids didn't know who I was, but my fellow underlings did. 'Cept I didn't call them underlings. I called them friends.

My husband and I joke that the first twenty years of marriage is just to figure out what happened the first twenty years of our lives.

As I hit the big thirty, I find myself wanting to revisit those critical high school years.

This week you're invited to explore ME - fifteen years ago.

Let the psychoanalysis and insecurities begin!


Amy said...

In high school I thought you, Harmony and Kim were the ones to hang out with and I was extatic you guys included me. I temember you being pretty outgoing. Always having sleepovers and parties and more importantly always inviting everyone.

I think we all felt unpopular and nerdy in high school. And insecure!

Lara said...

I can't wait!

And I do think we all felt's just that we dealt with it differently. Besides, I can't imagine high school being the hey day anyway! Who'd want that? But then, maybe it's just because I was a total nerd and totally insecure.

Jocelyn Christensen said...

Woohoo! How fun! Happy b-day lady!

Jen said...

So as you might remember, I substitute teach in the same high school I graduated from. Very enlightening, let me assure you. And while there are the exceptions to the rule, yes, I think insecurity reigns supreme in grades 7-12.

And they're so mean. And so judgemental of each other. It's no wonder we all felt that way! Sometimes I wonder if people are born with a switch (well, most of them) that flips from I'll-say-any-horrible-thing-to-anyone, to I'm-a-semi-normal-person-who-understands-saying-that-will-cause-social-casualties the day they graduate from high school.

So glad I got out alive!
(And nice to read ya!)

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

It sounds like we were the same person in high school, down to the overalls and hiding in the bathroom.

People from that time of my life remember me differently than I do, and it always throws me for a loop.

Julie said...

Just went to my 15 year reunion this weekend. You didn't go to high school with me, so I can't analyze you. But some of us change a lot, and some of us are exactly the same. Depending on what kind of person you were in high school, that can be good or bad.

That was the deepest comment *ever*. Please note heavy sarcasm.

Lacy@uphillandsmiling said...

I felt so insecure in high school... I think everyone does. I had fun too, but for the most part, I'm glad to be through it.

Looking forward to your flashback!!

Fannie said...

I remember you in High School. I remember a fun-loving, happy, zany, smart girl who I admired. I looked up to you. I was envious of your group of friends and I knew you had the coolest mom ever.

I think we forget that the awkwardness of teenagerhood is just a part of the process. Transitions are uncomfortable and we're bound to make mistakes and then look at our past selves and just shake our heads. When I think of the things that I worried about and the ridiculous things I said and did as a teenager, I cringe. And to think someone trusted me with the keys to a car....

The point isn't to focus on what we were, but to celebrate how what we were created what we are now.

LisAway said...

I LOVE the idea that in parenting we are figuring out what WE were going through in our childhoods. That is so awesome.

I was NOT popular in high school, but I didn't care too much. Of course I was insecure in many ways, but I had a few good friends and they were THE BOMB, so I was all good. One of those friends was also good friends with the popular and athletic kids, and I thought it might be nice to fit into both worlds like her, but mostly I enjoyed what I had. Although, thinking about it now, the first two years of high school I didn't have those (LDS) friends and I was more of a shrinking back kind of person. And I didn't love it...