Thursday, January 28, 2010

In which I prove how lame I really am

So there's this big to-do in the Mormon Mommy Blog world, and it is called the Casual Blogger Conference. This is preceding another big to-do deal, called the BlogHer Conference.

I'm seeing lots of bold braggy buttons that declare "I'm going!" I'm seeing lots of public begging to husbands for tickets. I'm seeing lots of envy from those without those bold braggy buttons.

*announcement* I'm not going.

And here's the kicker: even if I lived in Salt Lake and had a million extra dollars, I probably wouldn't go either.

Are you totally shocked?

The reason is this. I am a shy, shy insecure little bugger.

I have my bloggy friends that I love dearly. I even have a few bloggy fans. (Okay. Two.) But I can't help but think - what if they don't like me in real life? Sometimes I think that all you people that leave such flattering comments are just kidding yourselves. I mean, shoot. Most of you actually think I'm fairly skinny. That proves you're delusional.

I think I prefer to remain in the role of "person you have built up to be somewhat cool in your head," rather than come crashing down in all my quirky realities.

Here's what I would do if I actually went to the conference: sit in a chair surrounded by women who all inexplicably seem to know one another. Take notes with lots of doodles. Wish I knew how to accessorize. Feel sorry for myself. Leave. I know because I do the same thing almost every Enrichment night. (Sorry. RELIEF SOCIETY MEETING.)

Oh, and don't forget that I'll be doing these things while sweating profusely - especially out of my right armpit, because for some reason I always sweat more out of my right armpit.

If anyone actually struck up a conversation - or worse, if anybody recognized me - I'd probably freeze. I would frantically try to come up with something witty or funny, because for some reason the MMB classified me as a "Funny Lady." Pressure.

Instead, I'd probably jabber on about really awesome topics like the weather and health care reform. And the sweat stains on my right side.

The fact is, I'm only funny when not under pressure. And when I'm completely comfortable. (Like right now. At my computer. I'm not even sweating.) But neither of these circumstances is likely to happen at a blogging conference. So I'd revert to my natural state of being: geek. A wall-hugging, clutching-a-book, geek.

Now don't get me wrong. I would love to meet you all. But in small groups. And only if you guys didn't know each other, either. (Because I hate being the only one who gets introduced.) And also it'd be nice if we all brought our husbands and kids - so if all else fails by way of conversation, we can talk about them. Or to them. Oh, and don't forget the food. Lots of food. And perhaps deodorant.

Exactly one person that reads my blog I see on a regular basis. (Hi, Katy!) One other I see on a not-so-regular-basis, which is ridiculous since we live so close. (Hi, Kathy!) Other than that - you all think I'm actually skinny. So there you are.

No comments today. I'm not fishing for declarations of love and assurances that I am cool - and I'm proving it by cutting the line. I'm simply siphoning my thoughts. Cuz that's what I do here.

The end.