Okay. So.
Preface: The parents in my church ward have varying takes on education. I'd say roughly 40% choose to send their children to public schools. The remaining 60% are split pretty evenly between charter schools and home schooling.
Alright. Now let's discuss why I'm discussing this.
As we all know, I'm doing this 'surviving summer' thing. Lots of activities, crafts, and outings with my kids. Lots of education and teaching and, most of all, having fun.
I'm feelin' good. I'm feelin' like I'm finally getting this mom thing. And I'm feelin' like I'm doing a good job.
But I can't tell you how many people tell me (in one breath), "You're such a good mom - you should home school - why don't you already?"
LOTS of people.
I guess I just don't like the implication that all good moms home school - and that all home schoolers are good moms. To me, they're mutually exclusive.
I know lots of home schooling moms that are amazing - absolutely wonderful mothers. Role models, and all that the word implies. They do a fantastic job home schooling their children, and their kids are the better for it. And yet I know lots of home schooling moms that are - ahem - awful. And their kids suffer.
But that goes the same for public/charter school moms too - some are great, some not so much.
(So really - women are just women no matter where their kids learn their ABCs.)
I think the whole childhood education decision is very personal - there isn't one right answer for everyone. Every child (and mother) is different, and should be treated accordingly.
Basically, I don't like being judged. Like I can't be a good mom unless I home school. Like only moms that home school are good.
I believe very strongly that mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. (This doesn't exclude dads - but moms are essentially The Buck.)
Elder Perry put it this way in last General Conference:
Teaching in the home is becoming increasingly important in today’s world, where the influence of the adversary is so widespread and he is attacking, attempting to erode and destroy the very foundation of our society, even the family. Parents must resolve that teaching in the home is a most sacred and important responsibility. While other institutions, such as church and school, can assist parents to “train up a child in the way he [or she] should go” (Proverbs 22:6), ultimately this responsibility rests with parents. According to the great plan of happiness, it is parents who are entrusted with the care and development of our Heavenly Father’s children. Our families are an integral part of His work and glory—“to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39). On God’s eternal stage, it is usually intended that parents act as the central cast members in their children’s lives.
I know that the most important things my children should learn are things like
responsibility
kindness
proactivity
integrity
good manners
friendliness
forgiveness
being open and non-judgmental
service
ambition
thirst for knowledge
and the like -
and I fully intend to be the one teaching them these characteristics. (Or, at least, the most important one teaching them - but it's a team effort!) I won't leave my children's character up for grabs at a public school.
But I fully believe that I can teach my children these things while they attend public school. Having my kids attend public school doesn't exempt me from teaching my children. Nor does it prevent me from teaching them.
So.
I can be a good mom and not home school.
Thank you.
(Pssst. No bashing home school in the comments. That wasn't the point, please.)
35 comments:
I think that what you just described is a nation wide "problem" that most, if not all, moms, (maybe even especially LDS moms) worry about. I'm having the same issue here. I'm not near as exciting a mom as I'd like to be.
Home schooling would be great because I can filter what my children hear and are influenced by, but at the same time, if I send them to public school, they learn more about agency (and integrity and standing up for their religion) than I could have them learn at home (because I would control everything...which IS my job, but to what extent? - we are taught that we should not be governed in all things...are we not?) but thats not to say that they still wouldn't learn agency at home, because I'm teaching them the principles of the gospel.
Can you see where this internal conflict is going? :) Back and forth.
You are NOT the only one that has this quandry (oooh SAT word!) and whatever you deem best for your children (along with prayer and fasting - if needed) is the right choice and NO ONE has the right to judge you on that...
I had no idea that homeschooling had become so popular. It never would have ever crossed my mind that someone was a bad mom because they didn't homeschool.
Homeschooling is not for everyone.
I think they are flattering you when they suggest you ought to homeschool.
It is because they think you are the type of person who would do a good job at it. Not because you would be even better if you did.
Does that make sense?
I think homeschooling is great. I however, am not the type of Mom who can homeschool my children. I'm okay with that. I think there are a lot of different ways of being a mom and a lot of different ways to educate our kids. You have to do what feels right for you.
I wouldn't confuse those comments they make to you as a kind of criticism for the way you choose to educate your kids. They are only saying that it appears to them that you enjoy doing education things with them and maybe homeschooling for you would be a good fit.
Homeschooling moms are always looking for commerades too...and they must think you fit the bill.
But if you choose to send your kids to school, you are not a bad Mom...like me, and I don't think homeschooling Moms intend to make us feel that way.
There is no right or wrong way to do it...only the right way for you.
My neighbor home schools her five boys, 10,8,6,4,4. (Yeah. WOW!) While she's absolutely certifiable, her children are delightful and courteous and I admire her efforts to home school them.
But when I consider the possibility of home schooling my own, I start to feel nauseous. As it is, I have enrolled my twins in the one local elementary school that is year round, which means I only have 3 more weeks of summer, and, honestly, I think it might be what keeps me from having a nervous breakdown. (And please note, it's not just for me that we're doing year round. After very prayerful consideration of some special circumstances, we firmly feel that this is the best educational option, for one kid in particular. This is an excellent school that has the resources we need, and the year round calendar, which is 9 weeks on, 3 weeks off, has the breaks built in that I think my special case will need to be able to cope with suddenly being thrust into an all day school situation.)
This makes me sound like an ogre. Maybe I am one. But I know myself, know my limits, and know that, as bright and wonderful as my children are, it would not be good for me on an emotional level to have an endless sea of days occupied with trying to make these crazy boys focus on school-like things stretching in front of me for the next twelve years or so.
I am also the product of public schools, and while things went on there that should not have been going on, my parents raised me and my siblings in such a way that, A. we knew our standards and were not afraid to use them, and B. we were not afraid to talk to our parents about things that didn't jive with the worldview we had been taught. This gave us lots of opportunity for lively discussion and application of Gospel principles to situations we otherwise would not have had the chance to cover in such a healthy way.
I'm with you, sister. (I guess I should have just said that, instead of hijacking your comment section. Sorry.)
I couldn't ever homeschool my kids. We'd hate each other at the end of the day. And then we'd still be stuck with each other.
I've tried teaching my little one his abc's and 123's. He's not willing to really learn where he's making mistakes from me. So, he's going to pre-school in the fall. He's looking forward to it and so am I. And neither of us will have to deal with any grand frustrations over it. That being said, I anticipate that "homework" may ruffle some feathers. But, I'll have someone else (the teacher) to back me up in what I'M teaching...
Although we don't have a child that is school age yet my husband and I have often discussed how we would like our children to be educated. Ultimately I believe, just like you, that it is a personal and indiviual issue. There is no general rule that says that home schooling= smarter, better educated and well behaved children also, there is no rule that says that public school= undereducated and vulgar children.
I love the quote by E. Perry... there should be teaching in the home no matter what- I feel that we should constantly be teaching our children by our actions and our words whether or not we are home schooling.
So, I think the problem here is caused by several different factors.
1. Like you said, it is a very personal descision! Women, especially mormon women I think, ask each other very intimate questions from how we are conceiving our children and what kind of birth control we use to you name it. And we judge. SO, instead of saying none of your business we lie. Even to ourselves. Which brings us to number two.
2. We say "I couldn't do that" when, of course we "can" if it's the right thing for us and especially if we have God's help. I hear I "can't" breastfeed, I "can't" have natural birth, I "can't" homeschool, I "can't" have anymore children when really there just isn't enough incentive for the woman to do these things- good or bad. We all have our limitations, we all have our priorities. We CAN do many, many things individually, we just can't do ALL things. We pick and choose with the best intentions. When we say "I can't", we sell ourselves short and encourage others to feel superior for simply doing what works.
3. We difine ourselves by these individual choices. Especially if we are "stay-at-home-moms". We are a "homeschooling mom" instead of a mother who happens to homeschool one year or more because it felt right.
I think we just need to give each other a break and really believe that everyone is just doing their best. It is SO valuable to have deep and honest conversations and discover that someone feels the way we do about something, but we need to not force these situatuions. Not every relationship we have with women we visit teach or meet with at the park or serve in a calling with is really going to be special and intimate. Let's just assume we are all trying to raise our children the best way we can and that when we meet someone who does it a little differently we really can BOTH be RIGHT.
I agree completely.
I've worked with a lot of teachers in a public school setting, and they would often talk about parents who basically expected the school to raise their children for them.
I'm a pretty pro-public school kind of girl, but I really, really believe that our child's education is OUR responsibility. And public school is going to be a big part of that when the time comes, because I know my son will have experiences (good and bad) that we just can't give him at home. But at the end of the day, it is up to us, his parents, to make sure that he is learning the right things.
The End.
Thank you so much for writing this! Seriously. Dude. My thoughts exactly. I've gotten flack from both ends of the spectrum. I considered home schooling. I did some research even. When I brought up that I was looking into it I got my head bitten off. When I decided against it? Got my head bitten off by other people. Oi, the pressure people feel they have the right to exert!
I love how you put it. About being a good mom having nothing to do with where our kids learn their ABC's, and also about teaching in the home regardless of whether our kids go to public school or not. Amen!
my husband was homeschooled, i was not. all of our children are in public schools, and it works for us. however we are considering home schooling my oldest next year. due to the double knee surgries she will be having. i like having the option.
TANGENT: we have five children, and are planning on getting pregnant with number 6 in about a week. we allready have the largest family in our ward, and i have to admit, i am scared of the judgement. people have allready made some really obnoxious comments to me. i HATE HATE HATE being judged. let me know how you handle that, becauce although i am not letting it influence our decision, it still hurts.
I totally agree, it is a personal decision and everyone will have a different answer. For us, Josh has been in public school up to this point but next year will stay home. We only plan to keep him home for 1 year, but we may keep him at home longer. Carly, however, will be going to public school. One in, one out, just right.
I like to think that I am usually a good mom, and yet I would never, ever homeschool. I know myself and it's not something that would work well in our home. Summer is something I barely survive. I love my kids and I want to do what's best for them, and I think having me as their sole teacher is definitely not that. :)
Stereotypes are funny things.
I find it amazing that there are so many homeschoolers where you live. Not because it's wacky, but because I can't believe there are that many women willing to do it.
I am a good mom. But I don't specialize in all areas of academics. I'll leave that to the pros. That's why there ARE pros.
Plus, I'm a nicer mommy when I get a break from my kids.
Also, IMO school is more than academics. It's learning how to be social, a part-of, dealing with conflict, learning how to choose the right. I heart public school.
How's that for basically restating what everyone else has said? :)
I have to disagree with the comments that said homeschooling takes away their kids agency. It doesn't have to.
There's plenty of outside influence. Playgroups, homeschool groups, swim lessons, gymnastics, sports, community activities, church, etc.
However, I do know that before my oldest was Kindergarten age I was terrified that they'd get knifed at school or there'd be a school shooting or something.
Now the reason I choose to homeschool is because the schools here are really REALLY terrible. The standards for education are low. And knowing we'll be moving to another base probably out of this state in the next 2-3 years, I don't want my children to be behind when they get there.
I'm not against public schooling at all. I LOVED public school growing up. I think for our family it's going to be a choice depending on the location and schools and the particular child.
And no one should feel pressured to choose one or the other.
So now I'm feeling all pressured and feel like I should take down my comment. I don't want anyone, seriously, ANYONE to think I judge them for public schooling or homeschooling. Because I truly do not. I don't even think about other people's choices.
I am however very quiet about our choice to homeschool, at least in our community. (not necessarily on the blog)
People think we're weird already.
Funny thing is, I find when someone probes and asks my kids about what grade they're going into and what school they attend, the homeschooling thing comes out. And then I find out that they've homeschooled as well and aren't so anti-homeschooling.
I think we're all worried that what we're doing will be judged by others. And it's possible there's that person out there with enough time to judge schooling choices of others. But I'm going to guess it's not the majority.
Although I am not a mom yet (hopefully adoption will help that) I say amen to what you said.
It depends on the child, mother, family, circumstance.
I should add father into that mix as well. Don't want to forget the dads!
I'm deliberately not reading the other comments, so if I sound like a parrot that's why.
First, I'm almost laughing at how time changes trends. When my kids were your kids' ages, it was the "flaky" moms who home-schooled; the "good" moms knew that home schooling totally ruined children (so they said). So it's interesting that you're facing the opposite kind of pressure.
And maybe that's my point. We never want to make life choices for our kids based on what's trendy. School districts are different, kids are different, and as you point out parents are different.
As for not wanting to be judged, I also don't want to ruffle any feathers, but you're being judged all the time. It's what women do to each other, often as a way of gauging how we're 'doing'. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Fretting over it is such a useless waste of energy, the sooner you find a way to let remarks like "you're a good person, you should..." slide off, the easier it will be to be objective about making the decisions that really are best for your family.
I like public school, I like volunteering and going to the assemblies and smelling the cafeteria food. I used to feel like a bad mom if I didn't send my kids to a charter school until a wise friend told me that what will really make the difference will be what you do with them at home. I'm trying really hard to get over what everyone else thinks, it's hard, but I'm getting there.
Wow, I am thankful for your perspective...and I totally get it. I am scared to go back and read some of my blog posts with THAT perspective in mind. I have the EXACT opposite problem. I may as well wear a long sleeve dress and tennis shoes, because where I live...I am a FREAK. I am one of 3 women in my ward who DOESN'T work. I have the biggest family BY FAR, and now....homeschool? SERIOUSLY? NO ONE does that here. There is 1 other family in my whole stake that does....and the boundaries and size of our stake is HUGE. I am already fiercely judged for our family choices. I knew people where going to find out we were having ANOTHER baby....and that I was going to HOMESCHOOL...all about at the same time....and I KNEW I was going to get TORN TO SHREDS. I felt like I had to be ready with my claws out to defend our family.
It is DEFINITELY not a good mom vs bad mom thing. It is a very personal family choice.
You are an AMAZING mom... and an AMAZING teacher. You are AMAZINGLY creative and fun with your kids...sooooo, I hate to break it to you, but you are gonna get "you should homeschool" all day long for the rest of your life. It does NOT mean "good moms homeschool". It means you are PHENOMENAL with your kids. PERIOD. Take it as a compliment...but do what is best for your family. I love and respect you more than anyone else I know. Now, get back to work giving me new ideas of things to do with my kids.\"/
Oh, that was refreshing to read!!! I have considered homeschooling, multiple times, but it has never felt right for me.
I'm convinced that my children have been an important influence for good in their public schools. Have there been negatives? Of course!. Have my children learned to deal with them, rise above them and become better because of them? You betcha!
It's such a personal decision, that I just can't understand judging someone because they chose differently than you.
What Jill said. Oh and Nikki.
I am a fruit cake where I live. Homeschool? Crazy! Homebirth? Just adds to the crazy. I'm happy with the choices we're making. I feel led to make these choices.
Do I care one bit if people judge? Yup. But not enough to not do what's right for ME and MY kids. I only get one chance to do right by them. I will not compromise because people think I'm a nut.
I don't think they are nutty for making different choices. We're all different.
Thank Heavens for the Spirit's guidance which makes it so I'm not walking around confused all the time.
My kids go to public school and we LOVE it. Great little schools, great teachers, great values, and a principal that isn't afraid to have everyone join hands at a school assembly and sing Silent Night so we remember the true meaning of Christmas. (that's the south for ya!)
Would I home school? If circumstances required it. But what we're doing right now is working, so we're rolling with it.
Excellent post, and I LOVE the conference quote you shared.
As a home schooler to almost 8 chilren now, I only take offense to Joni's comment:
//IMO school is more than academics. It's learning how to be social, a part-of, dealing with conflict, learning how to choose the right.\\
I hate that so many people see home schoolers are "anti-social" in some way. I'd love for you to meet my children and then tell me which one is NOT social, dosn't know how to deal with "conflict" and which one hasn't learned how to "CTR".
Public school is the ONLY forum in which a person is subject to being in a room with 30 people the same age as them. Not even at church or work or in public will this happen again in your life, unless you again too an age restricted class.
My children socialize with the whole neighborhood, young and old. My 2yo all the way up to my 11yo absolutely LOVE to go to the elderly neighbors homes and visit and even "play" with them and help them out. My children also play with ALL of the children in the area that flock to our home regardless of age (accept one child who has been banned by the kids as well as many parents for good reasons) race, religion, etc.
I grew up Mormon, but have since left the religion. We don't home school for religious purposes either. We also don't limit ourselve to the thinking that we will "always" home school. I too had a very great public school experience, education wise. Social wise was a completely different story. Relentless teasing, bullying, and more. I of course don't home school to keep my kids away from this either, because the neighborhood kids have done this several time to my kids and I just stand back, watch, and let them handle it or wait for them to come to me for advice; unless things get out of hand, then I'll intervene.
There does seem to be a BIG trend among Mormon Mom's to home school, though. Even in my less than Mormon populated state, in every ward we were in there were at least 2-4 families that home schooled. So yeah, I guess it is trendy for many Mormons as well as being REALLY big with Christians. It's difficult to find secular home schooling groups, but they are out there. ;)
All in all, I fully agree that some parents just should NOT home school. I have met very poorly educated adults who could barely spell or know the proper use of "there, their, and they're". I once chatted with a person I assumed was a young teen by the way she was spelling, only to learn that she was 20+ and had been "home schooled". That certainly didn't sit well with me, but hey not much I could do.
I don't think home schoolers or public schoolers are better or worse for their choice they made. I agree it was what worked for them and their children and I am all for that.
Home school or don't; that it up to you. It doesn't define you OR your children, YOU do!
Home schoolers have just as many opportunities as public schooled children.
We're all good/great/awesome parents beacuse we LOVE our children and we do what is best for us and them, and that is what matters most. We love them!
GREAT post, friend! My stepmom, who taught public school for at least a decade before retiring to stay-at-home-momdom, always SWORE she'd never put my sister in public school. But guess what? Circumstances change. My sister did kindergarten at a highly-rated private school (which cost more than my BYU tuition that year!) - and it wasn't a fit for my sister's personality at all. So they did a year home schooling, during which my stepmom's parents both got really sick and eventually passed away. That she had a flexible schedule and could take my sister with her was a heavensend.
But after that year, she was WORN OUT and sent my sister to the local public school for 2nd grade. And she survived! Since then, they've prayerfully decided what would be best each year - my sister's bounced between homeschool, a Montessori school and the local public school ever since. It's changed from year to year, and while that might not work for everyone (myself included - that'd drive me nuts!), it's worked for them. It really is an individual choice between the parent, the child, and the Lord - and NO ONE else! Why people can't understand that concept, I don't know. Just because something works for one person doesn't necessarily means it applies to all.
I love your posts like this. :)
I had about 1/2 home school and 1/2 public--I totally prefer public school! We grew up in the military, so we moved a ton. Sometimes, we moved places where the schools were really...trashy. REALLY. And my parents would talk with us about what we felt we should do, and sometimes we felt like homeschool would be the best option.
I'm grateful my mom had the ability to give us that option! I'm also really grateful that she didn't see it as an all-or-nothing deal.
I don't intend to homeschool my kids because I think public school is a really necessary experience (I just do, that's all). But you're so right, it's not going to keep me from teaching my children and being a good mom!
You know, I think it's awesome that you're investing so much time and love into your children during the summer when it would be so easy for all of you to sit back and be lazy. I'm sure you're creating wonderful memories and lessons for them!
Like all family decisions, it has to be weighed in a careful balance of need, preference, talent, resources and our own limits. All of that has to be tempered by inspiration. And then, and this is the hardest part, we have to remember that if we and God are okay with it, who cares who isn't?
I so dig you, that girl. Love this post. I think I mentioned that I teach in a public high school, but I also homeschooled my oldest for a year in elementary school. It was a wonderful year, and if skills and resources were no object, I believe that it is the ideal way to learn: small groups of diverse ages with individualized coursework. That being said, I do believe that kids can do well, and some do better in a school setting.
No matter how or where their children are educated, I believe that parents must be involved. Whether that means homeschooling, volunteering, or just keeping "an ear to the ground" so to speak, it's important to know what is going on in our children's lives.
Sometimes that means sending them off to the neighborhood school, but even (or maybe especially) as a teacher, I know that not all schools are created equal. My kids attend the schools near where I teach, which is in a great high-quality district, but even if I didn't have that option, they would not attend our neighborhood school. We're in a very new area that has seen a lot of growth, and the schools are truly out of control.
So, like everything, it has to be a matter of prayer, and what YOU know to be in the best interest of your own child.
Without worrying about what everyone else does or thinks. Which is easier said than done. :)
I think you meant "not mutually exclusive" right? Good points all around. There is so little black and white today. Everyone has personal decisions and needs. Maybe even every kid.
I am homeschooling my kids over the summer but they will be going to public school this fall. I certainly don't feel like I'm a better mom than anyone else just because I home school. Mostly it seems like I'm learning more than my kids are. But I hope that by working with them that they will be better prepared for their upcoming school year.
being a public school teacher, I believe in the public system, and in the past I had some real problems with homeschooling. I ahve changed my tune, and see real benefits there, as long as kids are being held to assessment standards and are able to mix well.
I loved what KCMom said, "I think they are flattering you when they suggest you ought to homeschool.
It is because they think you are the type of person who would do a good job at it. Not because you would be even better if you did." That's a great point!!! And I agree with her 100%
I also loved what MotherToMany said, "Public school is the ONLY forum in which a person is subject to being in a room with 30 people the same age as them. Not even at church or work or in public will this happen again in your life, unless you again too an age restricted class." That is so very true! I was home schooled and so was my husband. We have been very happy, SOCIAL, secuccful people. He's going to WSU for Mechanical Engineer right now. Socializing is a non issue unless you keep your kids in the house away from people and that's just strange, if in public school or home schooled. The one thing that I think we, as home schooled kids, were actually better at was being able to socialize w/ a lot of different ages. Somehow I feel that sometimes being in that class room w/ all kids the same age they are never forced to know what it's like to talk to a 50 year old that isn't a family member or friend of the family.
I had a job milking cows when I was 13 and my brother 12. And I KNOW I wouldn't have known how to handle that man (the owner I worked for) if I had not been as well socialized as I was. He had a temper. I was equipped w/ the skills to handle him very well and in a very mature fashion. I am not saying that public school taught kids couldn't do the same, but I feel that was actually a real social foot up for me.
I too, totally agree, that it's a personal decision. My mom really felt led by the LORD to home school us. I am thankful for that every day. My husband and I are now both 27 years old. We were married when we were 20 and 21 years old. We have both always considered it a huge blessing that our parents gave that gift to us. I do not think that you, as a parent, can't give that gift if your child is in public school. I also know a LOT of ppl and FRIENDS that weren't home schooled and they were glad they WEREN'T home schooled. It's totally up to the person, family, parent and circumstances.
Thank you for the fun post. It was also fun to read comments:)
I have often felt the same way. I have known wonderful homeschooling mothers and some where I feel very sorry for their kids, but have met public schooling mothers the same way.
I do get tired of the "if you only knew better" or the "if only you loved your kids as much as I love mine" mentality. I studied up and pondered a lot before I put my kids in public school and did it because I thought it was the better choice for my family, not because I didn't think I could handle homeschooling. If it ever stopped being the better choice, I would change how we did it.
So well said--and the comments pretty much fleshed it out.
There's a huge home schooling population here, too (and charter school)--and the emotions connected to it are amazingly intense. When a new charter school was getting started in our area, our ward was nearly torn in two over it--I was rather stumped over why, but it was a big deal. (Are YOU sending your kids to it? Why or why not? Hmm?)
What it boils down to is that a good parent takes THEIR children and parenting into account, THEIR situation, THEIR school options, and make a prayerful decision.
Hooray...it is nice to know that I'm not alone. I teach HS Spanish (and my hubby stays home with my three boys while he finishes school) but I don't have any plans to stay home to teach them. I think that they'll need the socialization, and I know that I'm not able to fully teach them every aspect of things that others have learned to teach, etc. But I know that I still have a great responsibility to teach them in the home...we're always teaching right (the gospel, manners, and everything else!) You're doing well...don't beat yourself up about it! p.s. I just stumbled upon your other blog today and then found this one. Fun to find another mom of all boys! :)
Post a Comment