I felt impressed to bring some cookies to a friend today. In the back of my mind I wondered if she were having a bad morning - or on her period - or didn't have ingredients for an FHE treat.
What I didn't realize is that I was the one needing the visit.
We got to talking about 5Pillars, books, writing, and self-improvement. Just your average nine-o-clock-in-the-morning-conversation.
She is struggling with improving her writing, seeking a way to better express herself. I confessed that I don't write what I truly feel, either - at least not in class. I hide behind humor and bad Irish accents. I confessed that I have a blog. And I confessed how much I struggle with being the only non-homeschooler in the group. I feel judged, and worse, I feel that people think I'm judging them. (Which is a judgment, but let's not go down that road ....)
And she saw me. She looked into my eyes and saw that the reason I struggle is because I'm not sure. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Words can only hurt weaknesses. "No one can stab my testimony," she said. "Because I'm sure of it. I'm safe there. I'm at peace with the gospel."
I plunged. I felt myself dive deep down, breaking down walls and doors that I had kept locked inside. I exhumed each emotion, turning it over and over in my head, examining my frailties and questioning each motive. I struggled to maintain the conversation while my thoughts swirled a mile a minute.
A hug. A goodbye. A walk to the park.
My children buried themselves in sand while my vision tunneled.
How do I really feel about homeschooling? What do I fear? Why would I want to? I've always admired homeschoolers. I have defended them in many a forum. I admire. I applaud. I commend.
Yet I don't do it.
Why? Am I doing the right thing? What do I want for my children?
One by one, my desires for my children flooded me. Pros and cons marched into my mind, straight-backed and orderly. And then the big question: Can I accomplish my desires while they attend public schools?
It's a question I'm not done pondering. It's so much bigger than myself. I've already prayed about it - I've fasted - I've even gone to the temple. I've already made this decision.
But she's right. I'm not at peace with it yet.
I'll let you know when I am.