Yesterday, I thought.
Do you know what I mean by the past tense of the infinitive "to think"?
|1.||to have a conscious mind, to some extent of reasoning, remembering experiences, making rational decisions, etc.|
|2.||to employ one's mind rationally and objectively in evaluating or dealing with a given situation.|
So yesterday I thought a lot, pondering my life. I have a good life. We just bought a house and My Man is starting his own business. Our finances are remarkably good. I have three beautiful boys that are kissable from head to toe. I have a Man who .... well, I'll keep this G-rated. I love him lots and lots. We're expecting our fourth child, keeping tight to our "plan" that will let us kick the kids out while we still have a few good years left. I'm blessed to have my Favoritest Calling Ever at church, and I get to enjoy it with My Man - even allowing us to sit together during sacrament. He's home a lot more now. We live in a beautiful area where the grocery stores have free baby-sitting. I'm exercising and feeling pretty darn good about myself.
Are you ready for the BUT?
I've been ... PUTZY lately. Flittering around like a lost butterfly, unable to concentrate on one solitary flower. Nothing holds my interest. I'm distracted, unfocused. Daydreaming about nothing and just kind of empty.
I'm busy - oh, I'm busy. But ... I'm BORED.
I have lists and lists of things to do. I'm one of those people that always has several projects going at once. I like to pretend I'm crafty. I scrapbook, quilt, and right now I have a mosaic in the making. (That sounds a lot better than I really am.) There was a time that any one of those hobbies would thrill me. Did you know I used to wake up EARLY (we're talking like 5AM), just so I could scrapbook? Yeah - I was that excited about it.
And now, even though I have a staggering pile of developed photos and all these fun new pages and stickers to play with ... I'm all NAH.
So I'm thinking yesterday. Why have I lost interest in things I used to enjoy?
And then - WHOA! Isn't that one of the hallmarks of depression?!
(So is talking to yourself, but whatever.)
I spent at least a good fifteen minutes laying on the floor yesterday, trying to figure out if I'm depressed. It was an interesting examination. I squinched up my eyes and tried to feel through my body, to see if it was hiding anywhere. But, nope. No depression lumps. Phew.
I really think I'm just bored.
Talked with My Man until waytoolate o'clock last night, psychoanalyzing each other. Our conclusion?
THINGS HAVE CHANGED.
Not too many months ago, I was a bishop's wife with almost thirty very needy teenage girls to take care of. Lots of service. Lots of visiting and making meals and driving people to doctor's appointments and planning activities and making handouts and consoling the inconsolable. I felt needed. I was needed. I had purpose and drive and people who depended on me.
Now don't get me wrong - those readers who have been around a while know that I used to COMPLAIN YOUR BEJEEVERS OFF that I was too busy. I got overwhelmed. Tired. I had to plan breaks for myself. I would reserve one precious day a week to just pick blackberries and play in the pool. Those days were heaven on earth.
Now ... well ... we play in the pool every day. And ... every day is the same. And ... I'm bored.
Isn't it sad that repetition seems to decrease value?
Home Days were my favorite days when they were rare. Now, Home Days are slowly driving me insane.
And it's tough. Because my family IS my greatest treasure. And I'm supposed to be fulfilled just being a great mom, right? Right?
(But I'm feeling kind of full of empty calories.)
I need some filler. I need to be "anxiously engaged in a good cause." I need something to DO.
Last night My Man and I made a list of Things that Float our Boats. I was very pleased with our list. It was extensive. It was comprehensive. It was only slightly silly. But most of it really isn't in my season right now. (I don't think I'm QUITE ready to join the Peace Corps with three and a half kids in tow....) Because while I want to get involved in something, I also DON'T want to neglect my family.
It's like ... it's like ... like my husband and sons are my roses. The beauty. The color. The purpose in my life. But I need some pretty baby's breath and greenery to really complete the bouquet.
Okay, that was a really lame analogy, but you get the picture. Isn't it a nice picture?
And I don't even really know where I'm going with all this deepness. Only that I'm bored, I need a good cause, and I'm trying to find balance.
You know - same old, same old in the blogosphere.